Fesshole 🧻

I'm a DJ. People ask why I don't DJ in nightclubs anymore. Well I'm paid three times as much plus it's easier to pull at a wedding. And let's not forget free buffet.

Condoms are cheap in bulk so I bought a box of 144 for £10. New GF some months later wanted to help me organize my cupboards and was horrified seeing that many. Never lived it down.

Signed up for drum building workshop without noting it was for a shamanic drum. We had to journey to connect with the spirit of our drum and share our experience. I had nothing so recounted the scene from Harry Potter where he summons his Stag Patronus to repel dementors.

Teach people to drive for a living. Had a fully deaf pupil which was fine and ideal really. Music up, not having to make conversation as well.Cracked out a whopper of a fart as well mid lesson without fear of them hearing it. Forgot that deaf people can smell.

Full time carer to a normally lovely older gentleman, he asked me recently to help him with his TV because his son had blocked GB News. Given he's reliant on an immigrant to survive, I decided I was doing him a favour by "trying" but failing to unblock it.

Part of the reason i agreed to get a dog was I was hoping to find or discover something interesting like a dead body or evidence of a crime, always read in the local paper that such things were "found by a dog walker". Seven years in and found nothing, gutted.

I am an actress and have done some nude scenes. Nothing sexy about them. A cameraman once told the crew in a loud and disgusted voice that the soles of my feet were dry and cracked, so we had to stick them under the sheets with the rest of my body on display.

I told my out-of-town friend that we couldn't hang out in my apartment because I'd just done laundry and hung it over all the seating. This isn't completely false-- I do have a bunch of underwear out to dry-- but more importantly, my Christmas tree is still up.

At meetings that I think are a waste of time, I retaliate by wasting even more time over meeting agenda minutiae, or by asking to go over minutes of old meetings.

My office has 3 floors and one slow lift, when taking the stairs from the ground floor to second if I spot people waiting for the lift I press the button on the first floor as I go up, petty, but they shouldn't be such lazy arses.

One night at a bar in my early 20s when I was a student, this hot, 30-year-old blonde wearing a red velvet dress came up to me and told me I looked like a writer. I think that's why I became a journalist.

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I've always wanted to order a KFC and eat just the skin like Cartman in Southpark. I have the means, I have the time I just can't bring myself to waste that much food. I've been thinking this since 1999.

Got a BJ from my friend's mum after England v Scotland Euro 96, I was 18, she must have been in her 40s. Mate never knew. I Worked away for years, came home recently and bumped into old mate and his mum in Asda, he was pushing her in a wheelchair. Longest 5 mins of my life.

Once saw a crowd of people around Richard Herring at a motorbike event. Got a selfie with him and spent ten minutes telling him how I loved his comedy. Later looked and it was just a random bloke with long hair and a goatee

I grew up with the reputation of being a quiet and well-behaved kid, compared to the noisy kids in the neighborhood whose parents had a tough time managing them. I learned only recently that it was because I was fed cake that had been soaked in rum to knock me out.

Im a podiatrist in the UK. The best foot moisturisers have a urea base. Urea is literally in piss. So every night in the shower I blast my feet. They've never been softer.

32 years a teacher, and I'm still scared of footballs on lunch duty

I work at a well known fizzy drinks company in a quite high up position. Most people in my work circle won't touch the drink as it's poison and everyone knows it.

Been a professional musician for over 40 years & played in massive venues all round the world backing rock legends. Best crowd reaction? My mates birthday party in a half empty pub in Northampton segueing Depeche Modes 'Cant Get Enough' into 'Baby Shark'

Primary school teacher. Me and my colleague who teaches the other class take turns to make maths worksheets for both classes to do. Made him one where the answer to every single sum is 67 and you could hear the shrieks across the school.

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I am colourblind. I have completely rejected academic manuscripts and proposals that use only red and green in graphs without shape or line width differences. If they are that incompetent about use of colour, they are not going to be better in other things.

Male coworker kept trying to make me his secretary. He asked me print out a report and send it to our (female) boss. I agreed but faked a typo beforehand so the covering note started "Here's a summary of the key points, as I know you are very busty:" She was, and wasn't amused.

I am an excellent writer with an MA in English Lit, but in the last six months have been repeatedly accused of using AI to produce my work. I am now deliberately sabotaging my own copy so it seems more plausible that I wrote it. I hate living in this timeline.

When I expect resistance from coworkers, I make deliberate errors like misattributing the "great power / great responsibility" line to Superman instead of Spiderman. People focus on correcting that when I circulate the draft, leaving the main proposal alone.

Welsh speaker here. It's completely untrue to say that the only times we speak Welsh in public are to annoy boorish English visitors. But it is true to say those are the *best* times.

None of my family can pack the dishwasher correctly. I've tried to run workshops to teach them, but nobody ever shows up.

I received a phone call from a rival company asking for a character reference for one of my staff. The employee in question is the worst in my team. Incompetent, always late, and not the nicest of people. So of course I gave the most glowing reference I've ever given.

Until I was in my late twenties, I thought 'Test cricket' was some sort of practice cricket. It did strike me that these international teams seem to do an awful lot of practice - when is the proper match?

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I'm trying to get to a position where I only wear clothing that feels like pyjamas but doesn't look like pyjamas. Secret pyjamas if you will. Fabrics with a little give and elastic waists. It's amazing how much happier I am if I'm just comfy.

I hate mowing the lawn so I scattered a bunch of seeds that strangle the grass. They unexpectedly flowered and now I get lots of butterflies and my neighbours don't.

In 2006 I wrote some code to change "Morden" to "Mordor" when saving addresses in a large internet shopping company's database. I've never been to Morden and it is probably lovely. But I was drunk and it seemed like a fun jape. They still exist. No idea if my code does.

I created a work Excel file to help me keep track of new web pages. I called it 'The Alan Parsons Publishing Project' referencing a 70s band. My boss randomly shared it across the entire project team. Now senior staff ask for updates on 'the Parsons project' with no idea why.

I have a secret stash of digestive biscuits the wife does not know about.

Some twat at work complained about me to HR for pointing out that the last time the king was an odd-numbered Charles, the monarchy ended.

Wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary recently and decided to rewatch our wedding video. Thought it would be a lovely trip down memory lane. Instead we were both depressed at how young, thin, attractive and full of energy we both looked. Turned it off.

Early 90s, working in IT Support for a national company, I really fancied a girl who worked in the sales department. Ensured her computer would fail every week so I would have to go to her desk and fix it. Did my plan work ? Nope, she hated me.

I check the number of dog poo bags left on the roll before a walk in the same way I'm sure a soldier checks his gun clips for bullets before setting out on a dangerous mission. You never know what you are going to encounter and preparation is key.

I pretend I'm buying old WWF/WWE figures for my 6-year-old son. They're not for him. I play with them, do the commentary and create tournaments when I have a free house. Makes me feel 11 again.

Went to a bisexual swingers party and met a completely naked guy with very large equipment. We fooled around a bit but later I had to leave before he did. Unsure of the correct etiquette, I shook his hand to say goodbye, but then reflexively also shook his semi-erect member.

I used to watch a porn actress but unsubscribed from her channel years ago because at the start of one of her videos she was reading The Daily Telegraph before the man arrives and they start bonking. Daily Telegraph can go hang.

Got binned after 18 years during Covid. Had to go and take my laptop and bits back so with no one in the building went into the meeting rooms and drew cocks and balls on random pages on the flip charts for when they returned to work

If I'm in a public toilet and I hear someone walk in who sounds like they're in a rush, I'll stay in the cubicle an extra five minutes scrolling X and occasionally making a 'heavy lifting' grunt. I don't even need a poo. I just enjoy the power of the queue.

I've been a paramedic a few years now and let me tell you. Old dudes dying of a heart attach in bed with beautiful ladies, never happens. But over half of our cardiac incidents are guys wanking alone in front of a screen. Might be because of the city where I work, I guess.

Late 1980s, after last orders. Gang of us bounced someone's Reliant Robin across a road and into one of the old, open-fronted, pebble-dashed bus shelters. It fit perfectly, lengthwise. Sorry.

Im terrified AI will eventually enable us to communicate with our pets, and I'll find out my cat's an arsehole who hates me.